Union Jack’s Pub in Bethesda has a $0+$0 Donkament on Tuesday nights associated with the Montgomery County Poker League. There are no nightly prizes, but you get points based on attendance and finishing top five or better. End of the twenty-four week season, the top eight point grabbers play a final table event, winner of which is given a $2500 voucher for a WSOP Circuit Event in Atlantic City.

They usually get twenty to thirty players, and the play is god awful. Two thousand chips to start, blinds are 25/25, 25/50, 50/100, and they go up pretty quickly. Our first night there, and I found myself heads-up. No dealers, and dealing to yourself heads-up gets really old, so I raised dark, and when my opponent went all-in, I called with 5s2s, his AJ held.

This past Tuesday I managed to not get too Donkalicious and found myself with some chips. I got very lucky against Blevins when he flopped a monster and didn’t re-pop me on the flop when I raised him with second pair. I turned two pair gooot after he checked I made a big bet and got a cold-call from a random third guy in the hand, and Blevins, in his favorite fashion, check-called.

I dodged a rack of outs going to the river, he checked, I shipped it, he called with an unimproved Kd8d after a Kx6d3d flop. From that pot, I had trebled my original stack, and cruised to the final table, folding mostly.

Just when we’re about to combine tables, I hear a commotion where Keenan is playing. Keenan yells across the room to me something about “$500” and I’m confused. I get over there and the resident big stack has created a commotion with the new catch phrase “you can’t handle my buy-in.” Dude showed up to play a $0+$0 donk fest in a suit and tie, and from what I heard, took it way too seriously. Keenan tried to promote the Weds Night $1/$2 NL game, as usual, and asked the dude if he played cash games. The guy came out with “you can’t handle my buy-in.” I wasn’t at the table, but from what Nelly recounted, the guy didn’t know the difference between $1/$2 NL, $2/$5 NL, or a $100 or $500 buy-in Tournament. The idiot finally decided he’d sound really cool saying $500 was way over our heads, and that was the said buy-in we couldn’t handle.

Oh yes, wise and well-dressed man. You are sooooo right. I could never fathom buying in for $500 at a poker game. That’s absurd.

… right …

As I’m walking over, Keenan looks at Nelly and asks her what she does for a living, then E, asks the same thing, then me, asks the same thing. I just opted to keep my mouth shut. I’m a far cry from a $30/$60 LHE grinder, but I do put food in my mouth solely by playing and dealing this silly game we call poker.

The guy’s obviously aggressive and/or lucky, ’cause he’s got the big stack. It’s not in shambles, but it’s not remotely countable or “proud,” either. When I say his stack is not proud I’m referring to the fact that it’s a spread-out wall of small denom chips with big denom chips hiding behind the wall. What a cheese-ball.

We toss up high-card for the button, and I end up UTG. I look down at my cards, and I make it 1K with the blinds at 200/400. Nelly’s life-long friend Alex is on my immediate left and he ships it. I’ve seen Alex over-value his hand many a times, and I was also distracted. Nelly was asking some questions, I wasn’t entirely paying attention. I did notice that all others folded around to me, and the pot was 2600 with just his call, 2100ish raise to me. I started the hand with roughly 6K or 7K, and with a small wince, but little hesitation, I tossed the call in there. Gave him credit for JJ at best. He turns up KJo. I’ve got him dominated with my KQ, and on a low uncoordinated board, he’s got three-outs on every street, doesn’t get there.

Neat, new chips. I called a raise out of the sb from Dickhead McBigStack with T9o. Flop was like five or six high, I checked, he bet 2K into 2400, I folded. Next hand he raises it up to 1K again, both blinds (both short stacks) cold-call. They check the flop to him, he goes all-in. He wins the pot.

He hasn’t showed down a hand yet, but he’s said some dumb shit like on a KJT85 board, after it’s checked-down, some guy bets the river, and he says something about calling with his high-card ’cause it’s probably good.

Before I know it, UTG again, and I decide that this is the hand where I’m going to double through the idiot. I limp in. Gets to him. I knew he was gonna raise, but when he took it up to 2500, I thought that was a little excessive. After taking Alex’s chips, I had just around 11K+. It was a quarter of my stack, but I wanted to see the flop (and what he did on the flop) before I got crazy. It folded back to me, and I just called.

I checked the 632r flop and he bet out 5K. Not for a second thinking I was bluffing, knowing I had the best hand, I c/r’d all-in for about 9200, 4200 more. Unless he’s a bigger moron than I thought, he’s not folding for 4200 more with 19800 out there with my all-in.

He calls, and I say “I do have a pair” and I think to myself, “and I know you don’t.” I turn the monster that is 44 and he’s got that white man’s hand, AKo.

Turn 632T, I can’t remember the river exactly, but I know it wasn’t an ace or king.

Ship it.

He got knocked out a few hands later and we were down to about five of us. The blinds had moved up to 300/600, and I had about 24K in chips. There was only 48K in play. I was stealing blinds left and right, constantly raising pf with little or no competition.

One guy raised his cut-off to a standard 1500 and Keenan insta-shipped it behind him. I was in the bb, and after the sb folded I looked down at my cards. I was expecting to just fold and let them fuck with each other, but I had to change my mind, esp with the big stack. I asked “how much is that, Keenan?” It was like 2800 more than the 1500, and I said “raise. Here, pull the fifteens in…” and I tossed in my 1500. I put 5600 chips out there (min-raise to the pf raiser) and the pf raiser went all-in. I call. My jacks hold against raiser’s AK and Keenan’s 44.

Now it’s down to me, Stirfry on my right, and some random dude on my left, and I’ve got atleast 35K of the 48K in play. For those that don’t know, Stirfry (Jeff) and his wife (Katie) are new editions to The Donkey Corral and MD-Poker.

We managed to score E as a dealer for the three-handed and heads-up match. He was getting pretty drunk, and having a lot of fun. He was begging us to gamble, and eventually I raised from the button/sb and Jeff shipped it. I had him covered, something like 30K to 18K. I said, “for E’s sake, I call.” He had KJo to my T8o. E got all excited when the flop came QT6, and said something implying that it was all over. I said “E! He’s got fourteen outs you yutz, he’s ahead right now!”

Running threes sealed the deal, and we proceeded to get even more drunk. It was a good time. E fell in love with the bartender that night and wound up drinking more than he ever does on a regular basis.

I dropped Nelly and Keenan off at our apartment, roughly eight minutes from the bar in Bethesda. I had quite the journey ahead of me. Not only did I agree to take E home, but he rode with Blevins, and left his house keys in Blevins’ car. But, Blevins is also nocturnal, so we called him, he was awake, he’d be there when we stopped by to get the keys.

I finally got home a good hour and twenty minutes after the leaving the bar that is eight minutes from my place.